The Non-Writing of ExBlue

Hey world, you listening?

I have this sinking suspicion that I use my "writing" as an excuse to daydream. When people ask how I spent my time I say "I was writing". But not a single word has been written down. Terrible, right? I just day dream and play act and it serves no purpose.

Except... it does. I've said before the stories were too big for me. It's not just that. They were too vague, too insubstantial to be successfully caught on paper. This non-writing: the playacting (not really, i think out loud. So what if I use the characters voice... don't judge me), the daydreaming, the doodling, the talking... It's all really important.

Cause this is how I set the rules. This is how I build the world. Yeah, most of it is just in my head, but its an evolving process. I mean, the story stuff evolves as I go. And most of my breakthroughs, the stuff that really gives the character depth, happen during "non-writing". Like how Ziph is a moral relativist. Or who the "Big Bad" is. (I love them, they are insane). Whether any of the characters will address the problem of religion. Or even something as simple as whether Terri likes vegetables or not (if it can be dipped in ranch, she's good).

So, yeah, a lot of stuff never gets written. But now that I think about it, a lot of it doesn't need to be. You know, the best way to tell whether or not an idea is insane is to speak it outloud. So non-writing, I guess I've decided it's legit.

~Alex

Personal stuff

Hey world, you listening?

...

So I'm back home for spring break. I'm thinking this might be a good time to get some writing done. If I ever get enough time to myself. I mean, I've got post-grad applications to start filing next fall, applications for summer jobs to fill out, not to mention the normal course-work and larger projects/papers due when I get back. I get a longer break than most, and it's just started, but I feel more than a little suffocated.

Being home is supposed to help with this but, I dunno. You see, I've got this bad habit of second guessing myself on every little thing. This is part of the reason why writing takes me forever. Anytime I decide which way a story should go, I immediately turn around and rewrite it. Again. Anyway, it's lead me down some really depressing and regretful thoughts, wondering if I've made the right choices in my life and whether the choices I'll make in the future will lead me to happiness or if I'm just screwing myself over. I tend to fall into the latter camp of thinking. I convince myself I'm making the wrong choice, or if I do the opposite, I suspect my reasoning behind my choices is faulty and therefore I made the wrong choice anyway.

So I come home and my sister, going to a school totally different from mine, is nothing but smiles and great reports. She's loving all her classes. Mine make me angry and upset more often than not. She has all these crazy adventures with these cool close friends she's made in less than half a year. I sit at home because I can't convince my friends of three years to go out. Or I make excuses for myself and state homework (which I rarely do) as a good reason not to put myself out on a limb and meet people. She knows exactly what she wants to do and is so sure this school is the one for her. I'm still drifting and I'm more than ready to leave my school when I get the chance. I worry I let the prestige get to me when I chose it, even though it really did seem the perfect fit at the time, I didn't realize how badly ideology and morals would affect me. So now I feel... yeah, drifting's about it. Home is quickly becoming a part of my past, but I don't really have someplace to move forward to. And that scares me more than anything else right now, more than even anyone actually reading this.

But these are personal problems. In fact, I'm not sure I should even post this, but I have a new policy of brutal honesty, so I won't second guess myself this time. Anyway, I do have two weeks off so I'll try to get the first bit of ExBlue up. I want critique. So be honest. Thanks.